As a guitarist for hire I’ve learned a couple of things: keep your teeth together, attitude professional, gear in top form, and ears wide open. As Frank Zappa said, “Shut up and play your guitar!” Here are some thoughts about a past gig.
Okay! I don’t normally like to speak negatively about a freelance gig, but this was one for the books.
I got a call to be a last-minute sub for the Norwegian Avril Lavigne. It’s two days before the gig in NYC’s Greenwich Village, but I’m in Pennsylvania. So, I drive back to NYC and download the tunes. I have an hour before I leave for the first rehearsal and spend that time listening to the tunes and figuring out the keys and some of the main moves. Usually, in more professional situations, lead sheets or chord charts are provided. The reason that I bring that up will become clearer.
Rehearsal One: So, I show up to rehearsal a little early to get the pleasantries out of the way; however, nobody else was there. They all trickled in one by one just before the scheduled time. That is, all of them except for the Norwegian Princess herself. She shows up about five minutes after her attitude. After the first attempt at the first tune and her condescendingly bossy comments I had regretted taking the job. Unfortunately, a friend recommended me and I didn’t want it to reflect negatively on him; and, after all, it would be over in two days so I looked at it as a test of manhood. Could I stomach the Eastern European incarnation of Medusa herself for 48 hours?
We were supposed to rehearse the following morning at 10AM. But, there was no phone call, text message, email—nothing. So, with little sleep and my other commitments sidelined for the moment, I send a text message to find out that rehearsal will be delayed for 12 hours. Mind you, that two days ago Princess Medusa wanted to know how long I’d been playing, my blood type, etc.
Since rehearsal is delayed and projects are on the sideline, I figured that I would transcribe the tunes, write charts, get my gear in order, etc. Point is, I sat down to really listen to the tunes. What a mistake? I’ve never heard so much mindless, self-centered blather wrapped around Shania Twain and U2 inspired chord structures. As painful as it was, I would forge ahead and finish the charts.
Rehearsal Two: Now, I know the tunes, well at least 90% of the tunes. There are still a couple of transitions that are sketchy because there are wrong notes recorded on the CD. How that got past the Almighty Medusa I’ll never know? Bad traffic and lost band mates aside we get started an hour and half late. But, the tunes are beginning to sound like the tunes. However, the Bride of Frankenstein keeps getting involved in the minutiae of each tune rather than using the time productively. I’m noticing that all her pop-star talk is just to mask her anxiety and insecurity.
Oh, by the way, this is my favorite part! Divazilla Rex decides to change the key of one of the tunes. I’m afraid to ask but here goes: What’s the new key? Are you ready? Face. Yes, the key of face. All of my years of musical training and experience had not prepared me for that one. However, I managed to maintain my composure and not laugh. Oh, I almost forgot. Face is F-sharp.
The Gig: We were told to be at the club at 7PM. I pull up in front to unload my gear at 6:55PM and the bass player is already there. The parking gods smile upon me and I find parking in Greenwich Village one block from the club. The rest of the band trickles in shortly after 7PM. Her Pain-in-the-Assness shows up last.
Sound Check: We take our places on the stage and I get the worst spot. Center stage, right next to her. We experience technical problems during sound check—her guitar doesn’t work. I can only imagine if it had happened to anybody else in the band. Eventually, the soundman gets the problem solved: He turns the guitar into a broom, she straddles it and rides off into the moonlight. Sorry, wishful thinking.
The Band Set: Finally. The drummer begins the count in. I center my thinking into being about the music and making it sound as best as I can. I know the tunes well enough so that I can begin to have fun with them. You know the stage right after playing them to not make mistakes. We all begin, then during the first verse there is a tacit for the band with just me playing rhythm to some self-involved, love-done-did-me-wrong lyric. The other guitarist manages to get his headstock tangled with my strap. Now I have the theater masks looking at me like bookends: On one side a silly grin and on the other a scowl. Then, the band comes in and takes off. I mean really takes off. It as if there was a musical race: Whoever plays all of the notes of the song and ends first wins. But just when I thought that it couldn’t get any worse…
Her Set: She decides to perform some songs solo. Just her and her six-string broomstick. Only she begins by telling stories that don’t really mean anything, drinks water into the microphone, apologizes for not remembering the words, and even calls her own songs boring. That’s when I began to feel compassion for her. She just wants attention and sitting there in front of an audience with a spotlight on her is the only thing that matters to her.
Like I said, one for the books. It’s a good thing I’m only parked one block away.
more articles by Ed Lozano
- Robert Johnson: King of the Delta Blues Singers
- Quick and Easy Chord Concepts 4
- Quick and Easy Chord Concepts 3
- Quick and Easy Chord Concepts 2
- Quick and Easy Chord Concepts 1 (Video!)
July 19th, 2007 at 5:31 pm
Confessions ….
Ed your first mistake was trying to bring depth to commericalized pop. I respect
your musical integrity as I am just a humble hummer and strummer but after reading
your story all I could think was “why would this guy even bother with someone like
her?”
Hope it paid well *)
Respect,
Rob
July 19th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Sometimes you take a gig for the money. I hope at least the pay make the bitter pill easier to swallow.
July 19th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Sounds like a bad gig man! But the way I see it is, when you’re a freelancer struggling to make ends meet you have to take what you’re offered. It might not be your favourite music and she maybe an attention seeking monster with bad management, but it’s a job nonetheless, and it’s one for the CV working with someone who has sold x-million records. I think I’d have taken it even if you’d have warned me!
Made me chuckle tho
July 24th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Thanks for the comments guys. To me, you never know where one gig will take you. I remember reading a story about Jeff Pevar (one of my favorite players). He was doing a gig and David Crosby showed up and heard him. Jeff now plays with David in CPR—Crosby, Pevar and Raymond.
You gotta be out there.
October 24th, 2007 at 11:06 pm
Avril Lavigne is not Norwegian, she is Canadian. Also, Norway is not in
Eastern Europe! What’s up with that?lol